Second Impressions and the Death of Grudges

Reeeaaaaalllly tired pelicans land and find wine.

First introductions, especially in or around the SCA, sometimes fall a bit flat. At events there is a lot going on, many people are in a rush, and some people just want to get to the point of they day where they can chill with some friends, perhaps around a fire or whilst toasting with a tasty beverage. Being in a rush and part of our groups of friends can make it super daunting for someone to get a good first impression of you. New people are often suggested to steer clear of some group of people for some reason. Enmity can build for no reason that can ever be traced. Sometimes a person can feel they are doing the 'right' or 'noble' thing by taking a conversation they overheard back to someone being discussed. All of this can lead to crazy blow-ups and sometimes schisms in groups of friends that sever those friendships forever. Sometimes, this resulting hot mess is the first time you may have real contact with a person. That impression may stick around for a bit. That impression can even leave you angry for years.

I consider myself deeply lucky that some of those first impressions that I left on someone and someone left on me were able to be obliterated. But it takes rather a bit of work and a lot of adulting to pull it off.

Reset Point 

You have to be honest with yourself to find out if you are ready for that, but sometimes these things just drag on long past any reasonable period and everyone is just tired of the upset. You have to be willing to apologize, sincerely. You have to be willing to say "Yeah, I'm not even mad anymore." And you have to be entirely willing to put your hand out and say: "Hi, [person], I'm [name] and I'm happy to meet you." 

If both sides are not ready to meet in the middle, it does not work. Second impressions are a bit of a thought exercise in which both participants agree to wipe the slate, stop referring to ancient woes and punch the reset button.

I am happy to say I have cultivated some of my most incredible friendships this way, and I treasure them. I remember how hard, in each case, that we both had to work and the leap of faith we both had to take together to pull it off. Once you have newly met your new friend there are usually some tears and sniffles, but also an overwhelming sense of lightness as all the anger, rage, annoyance, other people's agendas just pour out of you. At that point, you should probably go find some ice cream together. You have done a good thing.

A Brief Caveat

If you seem to fail each time you suggest this sort of relationship re-start with people, if it happens over and over again- there is a single common denominator you should look to: yourself. If you approach each person demanding an apology, that's probably not going to go over well, unless you are willing to do some very serious and public apologizing yourself. If you are continuing the behavior that got you to the place you are at, then you aren't ready for a reset. If you come to the door with threats and accusations, no one is going to open that door and invite you into their house. That door is going to shut faster than it does for religious missionaries and door to door insurance salesmen. You are still free wheeling down your own road and have not yet found the bottom of the hill. Just remember to rear break, then front break when you do.

I Shall Not Yield

So, you have The Grudge that Will Not Die where one person becomes convinced that someone is constantly defaming them or speaking ill of them or trying to make their life harder in some way. Sometimes, but with remarkable rarity, this even may be true. The grudge holder may agree to some small changes in the root causes of the squabble in the name of putting the whole matter to rest. However, they become rather annoyed when that does not pay big dividends and entirely re-frame them in a new light.

By this point in the grudge, one party is usually just done and has wandered off to do something else while the other holds on to their ire and shouts it from the hilltops- but it leaves them a sad little king/queen of a sad little hill. Is that really the last stand you want to make. The hill you want to die on? If it is- fine, your choice. But, remember- your grudge-war playmates will only stick around for so long until they find other and more pleasing things to do.

After that, you and your grudge, when mentioned, may net an eye roll, an ugh and an epithet because you have reduced yourself to a two dimensional character defined only by your grudge. But, that's likely all you will get when anyone recalls you at all.

From The Fountainhead, by Ayn Rand

Mr. Toohey: "Mr. Roark, we're alone here. Why don't you tell me what you think of me? In any words you wish. No one will hear us."

Roark: "But I don't think of you.”

Importance or Power: the wide gulf between the two in the SCA

These are the things I find of Importance within our club:

• Fun: This is what a hobby is supposed to be
• Friendship: The moment that it all clicks into place and you realize that you have come home to a family who love you, no matter their relation via blood.
• Passion: falling in love with an art, fighting, service or some corner of the SCA or medieval period which you may not have even known existed before. Or meeting the medievalist of your dreams.
• Learning: keeping our medieval arts, martial arts, crafts, sciences alive through continual teaching and learning with information always moving forward.
• Respect: Meeting people of so many different background, abilities, real lives, knowledges, and learning how to work with them. When you give respect, you get respect.
• Service: If we're gonna have a game, someone needs to do some work. Pitch in when you can and be thankful for those who pitch in the rest of the time. Say thank you. Say it often, loudly and in public.
• Stewardship: Leaving the SCA better than you found it: event positions, offices, new ideas, regalia, recording our own history and training those who follow us in these positions.
• Medieval Ideals: Chivalry, Courtesy, Courage and more. This is what we are here for, right?

However, if we are very, very lucky- we find a nexus of a few of these Important factors (which are likely different in ranking for everyone) and that's when there is a true magic. We work, we serve, we enjoy, we laugh, we come together and we are all at our best.

Here is where I believe Power exists in the SCA:

• An electric socket
• Sketchy extension cords that probably violate a safety code or 5
• Gasoline generators (also sketchy)
• A breaker box (sometimes full of spiders)
• A knife switch beside the breaker box (quite satisfying to throw that switch)
• Powering that AC which makes us that sweet, sweet cold air
• Lights during night courts (heralding by torchlight truly sucks)
• Air mattress pumps
• Professional kitchens at campsites (triple double ovens- oh yeah)
• 10 Norse lads (and/or lasses as we are equal opportunity raiders) crewing a viking boat. Rowing is a lot of work and you have to have some tough arm and chest muscles to pull those oars and still move the next day.

I am, however, thankful for all of these as well. (Especially the AC and lights in the bathrooms at night).


If you believe there is actual Power to be had in the SCA- it's time to check yourself. If you attempt to use that imagined Power as a bludgeon, especially towards those of lower rank- it might be best to go find something else to do for a while.